The Wesleys Mysterious File
Review by Soh Yun-Huei
Chinese Title: Wai shut lee ji laam huet yan
Director: Lau Wai Keung
Writing Credits: Chan Sap Sam, Ni Kuang, Wong Jing
Cast: Andy Lau, Rosamund Kwan, Shu Qi
Genre: Action Science Fiction
Country: Hong Kong
Year released: 2002
Rating: 0 stars (out of four stars)
The Wesleys Mysterious File: Blue Blooded Alien is based on the rather popular character Wesley (usually translated as Wisely), the protagonist in a series of sci-fi novels written by Ni Kuang, and brought to celluloid quite a few times in the past. It has been a while since the last Wisely/Wesley film, and although The Wesleys Mysterious File was completed three years ago, it had not seen light of day till now. Unfortunately, once you watch the show, you somehow understand why it was delayed for so long - because it really, really sucks.
This time, Wesley is played by Andy Lau, and the subject matter at hand is as the title suggests, aliens. Basically, Wesley is part of the Alien Analyzing Association, which in turn is part of the UN, and again as their organization name suggests, they... analyze aliens. Wesley has a brief run-in with the FBI Double X (well at least they didn't call it Triple X...) unit, whose task is to exterminate alien threats. (Does this sound remotely familiar?) Wesley runs into a powerful blue-blooded alien called Celia Fong (Rosamund Kwan), and proceeds to fall deeply in love with her, without apparent reason.
Siblings So (Shu Qi) and Wai (Roy Cheung), who are part of the Double X unit, decide to help Wesley and Fong when the Warlock Toxin Gang (yes, please join me in rolling my eyes at the lame translations), vicious aliens that invaded Fong's home planet Deep Blue (no, not the perfume by Hugo Boss), arrive on Earth. They're (by the way, the guy's called Kill and the girl's called Rape - cue more eye-rolling) after the Blue-blooded Bible, a powerful psychic weapon that only Celia knows the location to, and nothing would stand in their way. Except Wesley, of course...
If you're looking for a comedy, look no further. The Wesleys Mysterious File is an insanely funny movie - unfortunately, it is unintentionally funny, and is a total waste of time if you are looking for some sci-fi action. The film, produced by Wong Jing, and directed by Andrew Lau, unashamedly steals ideas from alien movies like Men in Black, whilst filling other scenes with pointless computer animation and ridiculous exposition. There is one exceptionally pointless love scene between Wesley and Celia, which does not add to the story in any way, and is so cheesy it boggles the mind. There are so many loopholes in the plot that midway through the film, I gave up trying to make any sense of the convoluted mess that was presented before me.
There is no quality acting to be found in The Wesleys Mysterious File either. Its embarrassing to see so many relatively established actors accomplishing nothing in this film, and Andy Lau has to further suffer the shame of wearing some of the worst-looking suits I have ever seen (including an oh-so-shiny patent leather suit that looks like a prop from a Chippendale show). All the female characters are vases, and largely stand around and look helpless - and in Shu Qi's case, with half a bottle of lip gloss applied at any one time. To add insult to injury, there is a protracted cameo appearance from Wong Jing himself that detracts from the flow of the film, not that there is much flow to begin with. A colossally bad movie that automatically makes it into my top 10 worst-of list for 2002.
Final Word: Unless you're a masochist or looking for a comedy, avoid at all costs.